Planning to have children has been an enormous burden on our relationship. I wonder how many other people experience the ups, the downs, the stress, the anguish and all the other intense emotions we have gone through. It really is not easy to explain what drama has befallen us on this journey.
To start off with, this whole family planning almost cost us our relationship. We tried the natural way back in Africa with no success. I, already having two children from a previous marriage, was not quite on the same the wavelength as Hilkka. I did not feel the intense NEED she did to have children.
During this starting phase, the talk of adoption came up. Having two children myself, I could not see myself adopting a child and raising “someone else’s”. I am convinced that I could never show or distribute the love a child needs if the child was not entirely mine. Please do not misconstrue this as me being against adoption. It is just that I have children and believe it would be horribly unfair of me to selfishly adopt and then not be able to love as the child deserves to be and should be loved.
The only other option was artificial insemination. I still did not understand Hilkka’s urge or hurry. I thought we could take our time and fall pregnant and have the baby and… – but Hilkka was nearing the age where it was important to fall pregnant soonest. I was too blind to her needs and desires. At one point during a heated argument I did realise how badly she wanted a child and that it had to be NOW.
At that point I also realised that I might not be the man to provide her with a child. I wasn’t the youngest anymore. According to tests my seed was not what it used to be, not quite fit enough. I was against us adopting a child. Taking all this into consideration I was about to separate and have us divorce. I thought at that time that I had to let her go to allow her the opportunity to find the right man before it was too late. Fortunately we did not separate. Hilkka wouldn’t allow it. In pure Hilkka fashion she ”put her foot down”.
Next we moved to Finland and we went through the fertility treatment and the insemination here. This programme exposed us to a flurry of mixed experiences. The anxiety, the anticipation, the joy and then the sudden horror of failure. It was an absolute roller-coaster of emotions, hormones, love, tears and madness. Success closely followed by failure. Exuberance shattered by despair.Luckily Hilkka’s determination held strong and we finally did manage to conceive and carry the baby to term.
It is with pride and elation I can now announce that I am the awfully proud and happy father of a tiny bundle of joy. The next era of worrying is about to start with new concerns and challenges.
Hilkka – thank you for persisting, thank you for your gift! Mina rakastan sinua! Mina rakastan our Lil’ My! And while we are on the subject of love – going through the delivery and finally holding the adorable bundle also made me realise how much I miss and love my boys back home. I so wish we could have experienced this together.
PS: We were really close to naming her My, but we chose another name just as beautiful and fitting; right from the beginning My showed that she is a tough little cookie, not quite a Lily. However, Hilkka and I think it wise not use real names on here (we’re sure you’ll understand).