I got to wondering during our last adventure in New York. When does what happen? When do we become humans? When do we start to remember? When do we start to feel, hear and think? So many more I cannot come up with them just off the hip. But I have been trying to make contact and that is where all these questions, insecurities and emotions stem from.
Hilkka has been suffering lately with the New York heat. She has been subjected to a strange city, strange environment, strange people, high heat and humidity and the added stress of participating in an educational project all whilst pretty pregnant. I on the other hand have had the enviable luxury of strolling around, exploring, gallivanting and having a pretty good time in a new world.
In the evenings I can clearly see the strain Hilkka is going through. In an attempt to soothe her aches and fatigue I have started kissing her belly while talking to the baby – all this as a result of Hilkka telling me that the baby can now distinguish that this is not her mother’s voice.
The baby has no idea what I am saying. It does not understand vocabulary (much less English or any other language for that matter). I assume it hears my voice? Through all that fluid? And thus many more questions spring to mind.
I cannot help but imagine the sweet little one floating in the safety of mommy’s wet and warm womb and I try to imagine what thoughts she is having. She does not speak a language yet. Does she have her own? Does she talk to herself? Does she have any opinions? What emotions is she experiencing? Are there different emotions for interaction with Mommy and with me? What type of personality does she have? Does she have any character traits already? Will she be demure, rambunctious, studious or active?
I guess many of these would seem totally stupid to many others out there. I just keep experiencing wondrous feelings of joy when I interact with her like this. And that is where all these weird questions and unknown emotions originate. And I cannot help but wonder if it makes any difference knowing that she is a girl.
Knowing it is a girl has me behaving completely differently – I think. If I did not know what sex the baby was I might behave in a similar manner – coy, cautious, quiet. I am pretty sure that if it was a boy I would be more talkative, more animated. Is that stereotyping? Is that presumptuous? Thankfully it is a girl and my animation will not add to Hilkka’s stress.